PIE versus chaos

Pie Out of Anything

No, I am absolutely serious.  Hard times are coming, if they haven't already hit, and we may not be able to get a turkey to stuff this year and have to buy the two dollar ‘breast roast' instead. It is a lot more festive if you have pies around the lump on the platter. And they can be full of just about anything.

Day by day, there are times when it's hard to know what to make out of the miscellany they handed you at the food pantry, if you were far enough forward in line to get a sack.

Just invest the five bucks in flour instead of a footlong sub at the takeout place and you will have some options. Oh, and another five bucks for a jug of generic vegetable oil. They'll last you two whole weeks at the least, and probably all month if you don't bake your own bread. 

Pie crust is simple. You mix oil into the flour until it's almost holding together on its own, then add the last bit of water needed to achieve workable dough.  Half a cup of flour should be enough for a top or bottom crust in a standard tin. Biscuit dough is similar, only you only add enough oil to get it crumb state, and also add leavening so it'll rise, and make your more bread like product with buttermilk and water. If you aren't already familiar with producing biscuit and pie crust, learn fast. And I have not mentioned the salt. Lots of people object to me not adding it, but I am allergic to it, you could say. Commercial baked goods are full of the stuff so you hoi polloi probably will miss it.

I shall be dealing with main course pies first and dessert pies second. As I am steadfast in my contention that they can contain anything, I will subdivide by method.

Method one--  stewed anything into an egg pie

Start with a pint of leftover anything with chunks and juice or gravy.  Line your tin or casserole with your pastry crust; you probably won't be needing a top crust for this one as the egg will hold it together. Scoop the solid parts of the stew out with a slotted spoon and into your crust. Then whisk together the remaining liquid, three to four eggs, and enough milk to make enough scrambled egg to completely immerse the solids. If the top surface is too unsightly, top with crumbs or grated cheese or something.  Bake at medium heat until completely set all the way to the middle.

In England they will put whole small sausages in this.  In Finland they will leave out the anything and just bake the eggs. In Spain they will serve you tiny slices of this, call it tapas and charge you a lot of money.

Method two--  tins of anything cobbler

This calls for biscuit dough and has no bottom crust.  Mix several tins of things together and add any spare diced vegetable you may have until there is at least a pint but less than a quart of food in the casserole. Make two cups of flour into biscuit dough and cover the top of the casserole of food with roughly walnut or tablespoon sized chunks of the dough. Scrape out the bowl very well, stir into a solution with water or milk, and pour over the casserole so that liquid surrounds the hunks of dough.  Bake at medium heat uncovered until the top is a sentimental golden brown and the stuff underneath is bubbling and no longer smells like the inside of the tin.  You'll be fine. If it's brown already and hasn't bubbled yet, put a lid on it and keep baking till it smells better.

Method three-individual pies

This calls for twice as much pastry and dry textured anything that can be spooned into a six inch or larger circle of crust, the edges moistened and aggressively sealed, and baked on a cookie sheet. Do not try to fill with more than you would put in a burrito.  Unless you like Cornish pasty that requires knife and fork or a towel wrapped around it, that means under a quarter cup per pastry. This is simple engineering.

Method four- the custard pie

Here we are probably entering the realm of dessert, unless you have no teeth.  The basic custard pie has one half cup of sugar, an egg, no top crust, and pureed anything. Blend well to fill the crust, and bake until set and bottom crust is completely done. If you are feeling positive about eating, experiment with spices and flavorings.

Method five -fruit pie or tart

If you are lucky enough to have a can of something labeled ‘pie filling' you can use it as is. Otherwise you need to cook and/or thicken the fruit juice with flour or tapioca or cornstarch.  It's easy to do this in a saucepan on the stove. In Finland you'd skip making pie at this point and just eat a bowlful. One quarter cup of flour or starch will thicken your quart of fruit. Sweeten to taste.

Are you still making pie? Okay, the bottom crust you will fill, then attach your lattice work or your entire attractively vented top crust and bake. This is also how steak pie is done, and that anomaly, rhubarb.  Just as tomato is a fruit we treat as a vegetable, rhubarb is a vegetable we treat as a fruit.

If your fruit is sufficiently presweetened and cooked that it's better to refer to it as jam, the resulting pie is called a tart. Pizza is in my opinion merely a large savory tart on a yeasty crust. However we are not dealing with yeasty crusts or strudels here.

Surprisingly, an onion will cook down to tart state, but not a squash or yam-- too starchy. Treat them as custard.

Method six-gelatin, ice cream or pudding pie

I cannot bear to deal with these until summer, but the directions are on the box. Just cook your crust and not the pudding; put it in later, genius.  Precooked crusts are also nice piled full of potato salad or fruit salad which you then weigh down with the correct dressing. Expensive versions from the ice cream store cost big bucks and you can do it at home for cheaper.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pie

Actually, I am only posting this to console myself on a day when I have been too out of it to do anything else constructive but lecture thou internet that cannot object.

Method seven-- the no-bake cream pie. 

http://www.popularpages.net/pics/cream-pie_2_2412_...

 This is very romantic but difficult to arrange.  It requires cooperation from at least two people, but I can think of no more delicious pie or one that is more pleasant to serve to the appreciative consumer.  Do not let a pie like this go to waste. It's extremely nutritious and it doesn't keep.